So Deep Your Ankles Might Get Wet

This is John Mayer's new album cover. I think it's a beautiful image.

But then I remember who John Mayer is. 

"Life is like a box of crayons. Most people are the 8-color boxes, but what you're really looking for are the 64-color boxes with the sharpeners on the back. I fancy myself to be a 64-color box, though I've got a few missing. It's ok though, because I've got some more vibrant colors like periwinkle at my disposal. I have a bit of a problem though in that I can only meet the 8-color boxes. Does anyone else have that problem? I mean there are so many different colors of life, of feeling, of articulation... so when I meet someone who's an 8-color type... I'm like, 'hey girl, magenta!' and she's like, 'oh, you mean purple!' and she goes off on her purple thing, and I'm like, 'no - I want magenta!'" - John Mayer

"Like, you need to have them be able to go toe-to-toe with you intellectually. But don't they also have to have a vagina you could pitch a tent on and just camp out on for, like, a weekend? Doesn't that have to be there, too? The Joshua Tree of vaginas? ...I'll be happy when I close out this life-partner thing. Think of how much mental capacity I'm using to meet the right person so I can stop giving a fuck about it." - John Mayer

"Sometimes I get so bold and I'm so confident about what I'm doing that I actually try to be more of a dork because it's a really liberating feeling to experience what it's like to not care." - John Mayer

There are Buddhist teachings that remind you that you are not the things of your past ("What you are now is what you have been, what you will be is what you do now."). Simply put: your past experiences inform the person you are today, but you still have a choice to be new and different - the person of tomorrow. Perhaps Johnny has moved past this retarded phase in his life. 

But this runs directly counter to what, cloud-Mufasa says when he told Simba "Remember who you are... remember who you are...remember...remember...remember..."

I don't want to pigeon hole our Johnny, but I have to agree with cloud-Mufasa on this one. Remember...Remember...Remember...

You Can Be a Pig Big, Too! Oy!

Halloween is an important day because it’s the one time of year when it’s socially appropriate to dress up as the person you dream of being. That’s why there’s a whole skank-costume industry – marketers know there’s a whole class of women who are waiting to show off their bodies with no apologies. Hey, it’s just a silly costume, right? Plus, I was drunk so it was like whatevvverrrr.

As an introvert with too much self-control, I’m naturally drawn to sexy heroines who are unapologetically impulsive.  In past years, I've been Kara "Starbuck" Thrace from Battlestar Galactica, Lara Croft: Tomb Raider, and I keep toying with the idea of being "The Bride" from Kill Bill. But that’s mostly because Uma Thurman and I are both leggy blondes with bowl cuts.

This year, however, I took a break from my femme fatal theme and went in a whole new direction. I chose the lovable sidekick to the sidekick: Pumba from the Lion King.

To illustrate the difference between my choices, I pulled a few quotes from the movies.

 * Lara Croft: Right, so... Pretty much touch anything, and you get your head chopped off.  

* Starbuck: So life's a bitch. What do you want to do, cry about it?  

* Pumba: I'm a sensitive soul though I seem thick-skinned. And it hurt that my friends never stood downwind.

That being said, Pumba is charming, positive, and always good for a laugh. I saw Lion King in 3D earlier this year and I died laughing at all of his fart jokes and grunts.

Unfortunately, they're not making Lion King costumes these days. And the ones that are still available are all Simba/Nala, the two most boring characters in the damn movie. So I was left to create my own costume. 

There were a lot of considerations to take into account but I finally decided that a Pumba hat/mask was the way to go. So I ordered a tiger foam hat as a base to build my masterpiece on. The tiger was a great choice because it has a long muzzle and high-brows.

 Once the tiger mask arrived, I cut out cardboard pieces to make the warthog snout, mis-matched ears, and some high check bones. I used the tiger’s ears, which I had torn out, to make larger eye sockets. Then I Scotch taped them into place, papier mached the entire thing, and let it dry.

After it dried, I used acrylic paint to give it Pumba’s coloring.

For tusks, I tore the horns off a Warrior Dash Viking hat I earned two years ago and never parted with. I hot glued them into place.  

 

But even with the tusks in place, the whole ensemble wasn’t working together. The acrylic paint and flat surface of the hat was so different than the bottom of my costume, a very hair bear costume.

I solved the unity problem by trimming some hair off the bear suit – the suit is VERY hairy– and hot glued it to the tusks and ears. I then used the black fur from the afore mentioned Warrior Dash hat to make Pumba’s signature mohawk.

I was very proud of the final product. Not to mention, I had a fantastic Timon by my side to complete the ensemble. This might be the most charming couples costume ever.

Disney Teaches Us About Mortality

Have you seen the video of little boys crying after they watched The Odd Life of Timothy Green? It's amazing.

For these kids, they'll always remember Timothy Green. In the same way that I remember Mufasa falling off that cliff in Lion King. Of course, I watched it in theaters, but whenever I'd watch it on VHS, I had to fast forward through the scene. To quote these young boys, "It's just too sad!"

I'm not even gonna post that Lion King video because I can't cry at work in our new seats.