Dwarves & Dwarves & Dwarves

This is such a weird poster. Some look like drawings and cartoons and some look real. And some look real HOT (top row, second in... and second row, all the way to the right).

Overheard: That's Life

I was walking on the street this morning. A man and his 12-year old son were walking by having an animated conversation. This is what I caught:

Dad: That's cheating.
Son: No, it's not.
Dad: Yes it is! It's cheating. It's wrong.
Son: Well... that's life! 

I have no idea what they are talking about, but I'm guessing it has something to do with this kid "buying" another little boy's valuable POGS for Hershey Kisses. 

Caricatures

Blair and I played a fun game over gchat today. It's called "Caricatures."

If I were drawing Blair, I'd put her in a nice, reasonable cardigan, eating pizza and drinking a beer. Because Blair is classy on the outside, but inside, she's like suburban dude sitting down to watch football all day on Sunday. Simple pleasures, straight chilling.

Blair returned the favor and described her drawing of me: riding a bike with my iPod on and wearing a crop top. I couldn't agree more. My life is bikes, music, and work out clothes. Which reminds me that the title of my forever-unwritten one-woman show is "Susie Gutowski: Dressed for Movement."

Memes After My Own Heart

This blog is writing itself. 

Sexual Harassment...Or Great Ice Breakers?

This video is a "best of" sexual harassment training videos.  10/10.

Personal favorite: "Hmmm. Not a good idea. I heard he's got AIDS."

Go Speed Racer, Go!

Brett's birthday crew on the podium.

I went go-kart racing for the first time on Saturday morning for my friend Brett's birthday. It was awesome. I came in second place in both races and my times put me in the top 85% of all racers who had competed on the track. EVER.

I didn't realize how thrilling real-life Mario Kart would be. Since you're not supposed to make contact or throw turtle shells at other riders, you really have to plan your passes carefully and be aggressive. AND the steering is super tight so your arms are EXHAUSTED by the end of it. If real racing requires that much effort, I can't but help but think it should be considered a sport. 

The race itself was exciting, but my favorite part was the gear. They gave us full jumpsuits, neck braces, head-stockings, and helmets. Playing dress up is my favorite.

And it was the first time since I was in the second grade that I was mistaken for a boy. As you pick up your carts, two men check to make sure your safety gear is secure. After checking my helmet, the attendant grunted, "OK. This guy is ready to go" and patted me on the back. 

Gearing up.

I'm not surprised by this. The suits are completely formless and the helmets cover so much of your head that your eyes and nose are the only thing visible. And I'm a huge woman. 

Afterward, I told my friends about the case of mistaken identity and we created a great/terrible movie pitch. Here's the 1st act turn of this race car rom-com:

JOEL storms off the 2nd place podium and charges into the locker room. He throws his helmet at the locker and groans in frustration. HOT ROD enters, grinning. JOEL tears off his gloves, preparing to fight. HOT ROD removes her helmet. Long blonde hair falls down over her shoulders.

JOEL: Hot Rod is a...girl?!?!

Rat Behavior

I was writing a sketch about rats and was trying to think up more rat behaviors, such as running in a wheel, building a nest, eating cheese, etc. So I googled "rat behaviors". 

Highlights from the Frequently Asked Questions: 
* Why does my rat carry its tail in its mouth?
* Can rats vomit?
* Why do rats pee on each other? (Should I pee on my rat?)

Time Capsule: Why Don't the Horses Get Olympic Medals?

Time Capsule is a new series that excuses me to formulate opinions on things people stopped talking about long ago.

August 9th, 2012...

With the Olympics in full swing, the world has turned its attention to one of the least exciting and most pretentious sports: dressage. For those of you who didn't grow up on Martha's Vineyard eating fish oil supplements, you should know that "dressage" is the ancient art of horse dancing. 

Many practitioners of the sport will disagree with my over-simplified explanation and drone on and on about how the word "dressage" means "training" in French and has little to do with Irish step dancing, merengue, or hip hop. The wheeze bags at the International Equestrian Federation even go so far as to fart out phrases such as "the highest expression of horse training." These people are not only "bad white people" but also liars because their own rules dictate that a horse and rider perform from memory a series of predetermined movements... so horse dancing. 

Exhibit B: this horse can drop it low. 

But many people are wondering: "Why don't the horses get medals?"

Won't someone think of the horses?!?

It seems to me that these animal lovers are forgetting that the Olympics is a competition for humans. In fact, 100% of all Olympic sports feature homo sapiens in competition. It's worth acknowledging that these horses are fine athletes and their legs are to die for. But if they want to have medals, they should start the Horselympics. 

Secondly, it's important to note it would be super depressing to find out a barnyard animal has more Olympic medals than you. I'm comfortable knowing Michael Phelps has 22 more medals than me, but when a fancy donkey has accomplished more, that's a real kick in the crotch. Keep America Strong: NO MEDALS FOR HORSES.

This horse's honor is carrying me.

It's Good to Be Noticed

I haven't heard from Career Builder in 5 years but today I finally got the email offer of a life time! It for a bilingual insurance claims adjustor for a company called Pilot Catastrophe Services ("The only thing GOOD about a disaster"). Not only does it sounds super interesting, but they said it's lucrative. Which is exactly what I'm looking for. I wish it was 5 p.m. so I could go home and get started on the cover letter.

Do you ever feel like there's something -or someone!- looking out for you???