Time Capsule: Why Don't the Horses Get Olympic Medals?

Time Capsule is a new series that excuses me to formulate opinions on things people stopped talking about long ago.

August 9th, 2012...

With the Olympics in full swing, the world has turned its attention to one of the least exciting and most pretentious sports: dressage. For those of you who didn't grow up on Martha's Vineyard eating fish oil supplements, you should know that "dressage" is the ancient art of horse dancing. 

Many practitioners of the sport will disagree with my over-simplified explanation and drone on and on about how the word "dressage" means "training" in French and has little to do with Irish step dancing, merengue, or hip hop. The wheeze bags at the International Equestrian Federation even go so far as to fart out phrases such as "the highest expression of horse training." These people are not only "bad white people" but also liars because their own rules dictate that a horse and rider perform from memory a series of predetermined movements... so horse dancing. 

Exhibit B: this horse can drop it low. 

But many people are wondering: "Why don't the horses get medals?"

Won't someone think of the horses?!?

It seems to me that these animal lovers are forgetting that the Olympics is a competition for humans. In fact, 100% of all Olympic sports feature homo sapiens in competition. It's worth acknowledging that these horses are fine athletes and their legs are to die for. But if they want to have medals, they should start the Horselympics. 

Secondly, it's important to note it would be super depressing to find out a barnyard animal has more Olympic medals than you. I'm comfortable knowing Michael Phelps has 22 more medals than me, but when a fancy donkey has accomplished more, that's a real kick in the crotch. Keep America Strong: NO MEDALS FOR HORSES.

This horse's honor is carrying me.