Riddles

I first read The Hobbit in the 7th grade. I was a piece of shit then (to be fair, everyone is at their worst in the 7th grade), and didn't appreciate this book at the time. Mostly because my English teacher loved it and she wasn't to be trusted because she only wore ankle-length skirts, had hairy arm pits, and was sensitive to smells. She was just so easy to dislike.

I loved the Lord of the Rings movies so when The Hobbit was released earlier this year, I thought I'd try reading the book before seeing the movie. I got side-lined with some other books and am just now making my way through it. It's good, but it's really written for a younger reader and at times is a little too dumb-dumb for me.

However, as soon as I got it in my head that I was too smart for this book, it put me in my place. At little set up is required so please bear with me. 

Bilbo has been asked to join a troupe of dwarves in their quest to reclaim treasures buried deep in the Lonely Mountain. While on the road, they spend a night in a cave that's secretly inhabited by goblins. The group is captured, all except for Bilbo. He escapes, but is accosted by Gollum besides an underground lake. Gollum challenges Bilbo to a riddle-off with the following stakes: if Bilbo wins, Gollum will show him the way out of the labyrinthine cave, but if Gollum wins, he gets to eat the hobbit.

So they exchange nearly 10 riddles back and forth... honestly, it's a lot of riddles. If I were the book's editor, I would have been like, "Alright, Mr. Tolkien. I LOVE the riddle battle but how about they just ask like 3 each? With all due respect, it's a lot of fucking riddles, sir."

The sad part is, I only got 1 of 9 correct. ONE. This is a KIDS book. And I'm an ADULT. 1 of 9.

And to further crush my self-esteem, after each one, either Bilbo or Gollum exclaims something like, "That's obvious!" or "Easy!" or "That old chestnut!" Or Tolkien himself, as narrator, will add a comment such as "I imagine you know the answer, of course, or can guess it as easy as winking..." 

Please tell me these riddles are hard for you adult readers, too. Here they are:

What has roots as nobody sees,
Is taller than trees
Up, up it goes, 
And yet never grows?
(Answer: a mountain.)

Thirty white horses on a red hill,
First they champ,
Then they stamp,
Then they stand still.
(Answer: teeth.)

Voiceless it cries,
Wingless it flutters,
Toothless bites,
Mouthless mutters.
(Answer: the wind.)

An eye in a blue face
Saw an eye in a green face
"That eye is like to this eye"
Said the first eye, 
"But in a low place
Not in a high place."
(Answer: sun on the daises.)

It cannot be seen, cannot be felt,
Cannot be heard, cannot be smelt.
It lies behind stars and under hills,
And empty holes it fills.
It comes first and follows after,
Ends life, kills laugher.
(Answer: dark.)

A box without hinges, key, or lid,
Yet golden treasure inside is hid.
(Answer: eggs - or 'eggses' if you're Gollum)

Alive without breath,
As cold as death;
Never thirsty, ever drinking,
All in mail never clinking.
(Answer: a fish.)

No-legs lay on one-leg, two-legs sat near on three-legs, four-legs got some.
(Answer: fish on a table, man at table sitting on a stool, the cat has the bones.)

This thing all things devours:
Birds, beasts, trees, flowers;
Gnaws iron, bites steel;
Grind hard stones to meal;
Slays kings, ruins towns,
And beats high mountain down.
(Answer: time.)