I first read The Hobbit in the 7th grade. I was a piece of shit then (to be fair, everyone is at their worst in the 7th grade), and didn't appreciate this book at the time. Mostly because my English teacher loved it and she wasn't to be trusted because she only wore ankle-length skirts, had hairy arm pits, and was sensitive to smells. She was just so easy to dislike.
I loved the Lord of the Rings movies so when The Hobbit was released earlier this year, I thought I'd try reading the book before seeing the movie. I got side-lined with some other books and am just now making my way through it. It's good, but it's really written for a younger reader and at times is a little too dumb-dumb for me.
However, as soon as I got it in my head that I was too smart for this book, it put me in my place. At little set up is required so please bear with me.
Bilbo has been asked to join a troupe of dwarves in their quest to reclaim treasures buried deep in the Lonely Mountain. While on the road, they spend a night in a cave that's secretly inhabited by goblins. The group is captured, all except for Bilbo. He escapes, but is accosted by Gollum besides an underground lake. Gollum challenges Bilbo to a riddle-off with the following stakes: if Bilbo wins, Gollum will show him the way out of the labyrinthine cave, but if Gollum wins, he gets to eat the hobbit.
So they exchange nearly 10 riddles back and forth... honestly, it's a lot of riddles. If I were the book's editor, I would have been like, "Alright, Mr. Tolkien. I LOVE the riddle battle but how about they just ask like 3 each? With all due respect, it's a lot of fucking riddles, sir."
The sad part is, I only got 1 of 9 correct. ONE. This is a KIDS book. And I'm an ADULT. 1 of 9.
And to further crush my self-esteem, after each one, either Bilbo or Gollum exclaims something like, "That's obvious!" or "Easy!" or "That old chestnut!" Or Tolkien himself, as narrator, will add a comment such as "I imagine you know the answer, of course, or can guess it as easy as winking..."
Please tell me these riddles are hard for you adult readers, too. Here they are:
What has roots as nobody sees,
Is taller than trees
Up, up it goes,
And yet never grows?
(Answer: a mountain.)
Thirty white horses on a red hill,
First they champ,
Then they stamp,
Then they stand still.
(Answer: teeth.)
Voiceless it cries,
Wingless it flutters,
Toothless bites,
Mouthless mutters.
(Answer: the wind.)
An eye in a blue face
Saw an eye in a green face
"That eye is like to this eye"
Said the first eye,
"But in a low place
Not in a high place."
(Answer: sun on the daises.)
It cannot be seen, cannot be felt,
Cannot be heard, cannot be smelt.
It lies behind stars and under hills,
And empty holes it fills.
It comes first and follows after,
Ends life, kills laugher.
(Answer: dark.)
A box without hinges, key, or lid,
Yet golden treasure inside is hid.
(Answer: eggs - or 'eggses' if you're Gollum)
Alive without breath,
As cold as death;
Never thirsty, ever drinking,
All in mail never clinking.
(Answer: a fish.)
No-legs lay on one-leg, two-legs sat near on three-legs, four-legs got some.
(Answer: fish on a table, man at table sitting on a stool, the cat has the bones.)
This thing all things devours:
Birds, beasts, trees, flowers;
Gnaws iron, bites steel;
Grind hard stones to meal;
Slays kings, ruins towns,
And beats high mountain down.
(Answer: time.)
My new improv team is in the process of shedding our 'slave name' and re-branding ourselves. Each of us was allowed to suggest one team name. My choice: Karate for Dummies.
This name is near and dear to my heart because it's inspired by my pathetic childhood self. My mom would take my older sister and I to the Forbes Library; while Carrie perused cool teen dramas (including Spellbound by Christopher Pike that had a sex scene in it that I could never find), I typically went for the Choose-Your-Own-Adventure and books about space, geology, or dinosaurs. But on one fateful day, I found a book on how to practice karate.
Truth be told, it couldn't have been a "...for Dummies" book since they published their first "how-to" software guide in '91 and didn't expand into general interest topics until the late 90's, but according to the Forbes online collections, there are two books that it could have been:
Karate Made Easy by Ralph Corrigan
or
Facing the Double-Edged Sword: the Art of Karate for Young People by Terrence Webster-Doyle.
While I don't remember the title, I do remember the instructional photos. I studied the poses in my room and drank in the details of each photo, calculating how far apart the feet should be, what direction the fingers should point, and where that clenched fist should rest on the chest.
But we lived in a small home that wasn't much bigger than my current apartment and soon my sister uncovered what I was up to behind my closed bedroom door. She teased me relentlessly. I shamefully returned the book to the library and claimed I was over karate.
Although I had given up on the sport, I never gave up believing you could learn anything from a book. As a high school sophomore, I impulsively bought an electric guitar because I thought, "There's only six strings, how hard could it be?" and picked up a copy of Guitar for Dummies. This actually worked; I've never had a lesson and play guitar well today, but what took me eight years to achieve I could have easily done in two years with regular lessons. But I didn't want lessons. What I liked most of all was pouring over the book and figuring it out on my own. I felt like a scientist.
To this day, it's hard to see a bookstore and resist the temptation to go in. Bookstore have an irresistible energy. They're so full of potential. In those silent books are world of information and stories, just waiting to be unleashed.
In December of last year, I bought Making a Good Script Great so I could transfer a story from my head in a logical, coherent screenplay. In January, I bought Easy Spanish: Step-by-Step because I wanted to be prepared if I met my (ex)-boyfriend's Mexican parents. In February, I bought The Thousand Autumns of Jacob De Zoet because a friend said it was a great story and beautifully written. When I moved a year ago, I fretted over which books to keep and which to give away, just like the stars of Hoarders who can't let go of empty soda bottles and pet-hair tumbleweeds. I absolutely love books.
It's funny now that I thought I could teach myself an ancient art form with a 4th grade reading level guide book, but I admire Young Susie's willingness to try. That's one of the things that I still like about myself: if something interests me, my (lack of) skill doesn't prevent me from pursuing it. I go after my dreams and am attracted to people who aren't bystanders in their lives, but are a driving force toward their success.
