Frozen Walk

Walking in the falling snow is one of my favorite things to do so when I woke up on Saturday morning and saw the snow coming down, I immediately grabbed my warmest winter gear and headed out to Belmont Harbor.

The snow underfoot was thick and perfectly white and unlike other times I've been out for winter walks, the lake wasn't a blanket of snow. It was criss-crossed with jagged paths, shards of ice grinding into each other at the tide's will. It looked like it was breathing, a regular ebb and flow as if I'd come upon it while it was asleep. Sometimes it hissed, sometimes it tinkled, and sometimes it squeaked and groaned. It had so many different voices. 

It felt like another world, nothing like the urban sprawl I think of when I think of Chicago. Whatever it was, it was great to find myself transported. I felt like an adventurer. Like Ernest Shackleton or another one of the Antarctic explorers. 

It was so gorgeous, I spent nearly two hours out there. There was so much to see and understand. If you listen, there are lessons in all of it. From the churning lake, I learned how all the parts are connected, how the particles fit together to create a whole. Just like the ice, there are things between us (on a subatomic level) that grind up against each other. Sometimes we feel separated from other things, contained in our own bodies. But we're not. We are all influenced by each other's movements through the world and faraway things can be touched. I found a lot of comfort in that. I felt one with everything instead of alone. Despite the cold sapping my body's reserves, I walked away energized.  

I took a handful of photos out there. I hope you enjoy them and they inspire you to put on your boots to witness the mysterious and powerful side of our beautiful city. 

Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow

For a few weeks, I have considered dying my hair darker. On Friday night, in the company of a good friend, a beer, and a bowl of brunette hair dye, I finally did it.

I was overwhelmed saying goodbye to one of the few constants in my life. I was a toe-head from the day I arrived. From the beginning. And the hugeness of separating from that to be something new and different was terrifying. I shed a few tears, but assured Mary Beth I didn't want to stop. She didn't put the brush down. And here I am.

I feel new.  

One of the main reasons I put it off so long was because I was worried people would think I was having a Brittany moment and in my insane haze had colored my hair in the same way she'd shaved her head and attacked a car with an umbrella.

And if I can be frank, the truth isn't far from that. But instead of it being a symptom of a downwards spiral, it was actually the opposite: controlling and righting a tailspin. If you've been following my real life for the past few months, you might recall my September of Sorrow where I stripped a whole bunch of shit away and collapsed in on myself like a dying star. Since then, I've enjoyed the rebuilding process. It's been chaos and discovery and acceptance and joy. For the first time in my life, I feel integrated within myself.

And as I discovered more of myself, I found that my blonde hair just didn't fit anymore.

I think a lot of people see me as a sunny and upbeat person. I am on some days, sure. I love to play and have fun and laugh. But those feel like responses to actions, not my own natural state. Not how I experience myself. And if you don't see that, then I regret to inform you that you've been a victim of a lie I have lived well. The script calls for an unflappably positive person who doesn't need help and can't be knocked down. A person who has some key catchphrases including "Everything's good" and "I'm fine". The more agitated I am internally, the more likely I am to be smiling on the outside. It's really fucking annoying.

And that's what my blonde hair had become to me. It was part of this role I was playing. It was the "happy" disguise. There's just something about a blonde that doesn't say "I'm serious." To me it seems happy-go-lucky and lighthearted. Maybe it's a stereotype, but I bought into it. And that's not me. I feel so much more at home with dark hair. Like I LOVE it.

It may be a superficial thing to change, but that understates what's really going on. It IS important. It's the skin I have to live in all the time and I wholeheartedly believe that the outside should match the inside. I did this so you will understand me more and we can start talking.

And because it was much cheaper than getting this tattoo:

Where Have I Been?

I apologize for not posting in a few months. I've been in the middle of an existential crisis and didn't bring a pen when I gazed into the blackness of the universe.

After having torn down the old self, feasting on its remains for a few days, I barfed up a new me and have been feeling better each day. And this new self has revealed itself to be far more productive. You can expect more posts in the future. 

What metaphorical identity did you pig out on recently? Press "like" if you ate your own soul this month!!!!!

LOL all things die! Did I imagine that dead kitten I found in my backyard? Thank God I still love to watch old episodes of The Office while folding my laundry!

So Deep Your Ankles Might Get Wet

This is John Mayer's new album cover. I think it's a beautiful image.

But then I remember who John Mayer is. 

"Life is like a box of crayons. Most people are the 8-color boxes, but what you're really looking for are the 64-color boxes with the sharpeners on the back. I fancy myself to be a 64-color box, though I've got a few missing. It's ok though, because I've got some more vibrant colors like periwinkle at my disposal. I have a bit of a problem though in that I can only meet the 8-color boxes. Does anyone else have that problem? I mean there are so many different colors of life, of feeling, of articulation... so when I meet someone who's an 8-color type... I'm like, 'hey girl, magenta!' and she's like, 'oh, you mean purple!' and she goes off on her purple thing, and I'm like, 'no - I want magenta!'" - John Mayer

"Like, you need to have them be able to go toe-to-toe with you intellectually. But don't they also have to have a vagina you could pitch a tent on and just camp out on for, like, a weekend? Doesn't that have to be there, too? The Joshua Tree of vaginas? ...I'll be happy when I close out this life-partner thing. Think of how much mental capacity I'm using to meet the right person so I can stop giving a fuck about it." - John Mayer

"Sometimes I get so bold and I'm so confident about what I'm doing that I actually try to be more of a dork because it's a really liberating feeling to experience what it's like to not care." - John Mayer

There are Buddhist teachings that remind you that you are not the things of your past ("What you are now is what you have been, what you will be is what you do now."). Simply put: your past experiences inform the person you are today, but you still have a choice to be new and different - the person of tomorrow. Perhaps Johnny has moved past this retarded phase in his life. 

But this runs directly counter to what, cloud-Mufasa says when he told Simba "Remember who you are... remember who you are...remember...remember...remember..."

I don't want to pigeon hole our Johnny, but I have to agree with cloud-Mufasa on this one. Remember...Remember...Remember...

Six Little Ducks

I just got back from a long weekend visiting my sister and my brother-in-law... and of course, our baby Leo! He's 7 months old now and just the cutest little guy. He's a very good baby: he only cries for good reasons and smiles a lot. The girls at his day care have also reported that he's a big flirt; he's always making eyes at them, smiling slyly, and listening intently to everything they say. 

My sister found that when he gets upset, she can always bring a smile back to his face by singing "Six Little Ducks" by Raffi. Here's a video of him enjoying the song during dinner. 

Singers: Carrie and mom
Laughter: Dad
Video: Me

Hook, Line, and Stinker!

Ted, the head of our maintenance department, went fishing this weekend and brought some of his trophies into work to share. The chef at Harvest, our gourmet rooftop restaurant, stuffed these enormous rainbow and lake trout with lemon and herbs and they were unreal delicious. But nothing is quite as tasty as a one-liner from the gruffest man on the planet. 


(Lights up.)

Me: Ted, those fish you caught were pretty impressive!
Ted (gruffly): Yeah, well, everything I do is pretty impressive.

He walks out of the room.

(Lights down.)


AND THAT'S HOW YOU DROP A MIC WITH JUST YOUR PERSONALITY!

3 Subtle Wins

When I woke up this morning, I did not think today would be an important or special one. But it ended up being one of the best days in a while, thanks to some subtlety beautiful moments that came out of humans impacting the lives of other humans.  

One of my best friends, Eric Eyerman, is leaving Chicago for grad school in Boulder, and today was his last day as Camp Director at Lakeshore. One of the counselors, who had been shooting footage all summer to make an advertisement for the camp, surprised Eric and the other camp staff with a goodbye video that featured clips from the past few months: kids reading alongside adults, dancing at the beach, playing sports, and lots of shots of Eric smiling. And it was set to acoustic guitar so it was extra touching. It was so wonderful to see people being good to other people; that video was just to say "We want to honor you and give you something to remember us." Beautiful. 

It's been almost a year since I began mentoring Tiara, a high school student from Chicago Tech Academy. She's recently earned one of the much sought-after spots at Genesys Works, a program that connects inner-city youth with internship opportunities at some of Chicago's biggest companies. She's been honing her IT skills all summer and is now interviewing for her internship placement. She didn't have a suit coat for the meeting and asked if she could borrow one from me. I have one that's a little too small for me so I brought it into work for her to borrow. Of course, I made her try on the suit coat BECAUSE I'M A MOM. She looked so professional in it. I felt so proud of the little grown up in front of me that's working so hard to create a great life for herself. 

I've been teaching an improv class for kids on the Asbergers-Autism spectrum for about 2 years. This session's class we tried something new: on the final day, the parents were invited to join us for a show and the chance to join in on some of the games. It was so much fun and the kids were great. This was especially good because... I didn't know what to expect. Even having ONE new person can sometimes send the group into a tailspin of excitement and/or apprehension. In this case, we had 7 unfamiliar faces! There was a part of me that was worried they'd all freak, refuse to participate, and the parents would be like, "I've been paying money for my kid to do this???" 

One mom got misty-eyed on the way out. Seeing her son in the group made her realize how much progress he's made this summer. And another parent said how comforting it was to see that his child wasn't "the kid misbehaving in class". In our group,  they're all in the same boat. No one's "the weird kid". And the best part was that the parents got to be silly alongside their kids, something I get the impression they don't get to do too often. 

And because the kids tend to rush out so quickly after class, I never really know if I'm making a difference. I know they get to have fun and logically, I know that makes a difference. But it wasn't until today when I got to see the parents reactions that made it feel really rewarding. 

Sometimes I worry that I'm spinning my wheels and not fulfilling my purpose in life. But this totally normal, average day that wasn't supposed to be special was a great affirmation that I'm living life to the fullest. I get to help others and in turn, be helped by them. All is well.