Passed Out

I had a great morning. Got up early. Made my bed. Ate breakfast. Listened to Pit Bull's "Back in Time". I even got out of the house 20 minutes earlier than usual. I'm killing it.

The #136 arrives. All the seats are taken. I find a good spot in the accordion section of the double-bus and stand holding the pole. I'm reading a magazine. 

The AC is blasting, but its not making it to the middle of the bus. I'm starting to get hot. 

It's 20 minutes later and I'm starting to feel kind of weird. I can't seem to catch a good deep breath. And I'm getting hot. I start to fan myself with the New Yorker.

Did I mention I'm hot? 

The spots appear. The gray sparkly ones you get when you stand up too quickly. Except I'm not moving. They start dancing around. They're multiplying.

I passed out once before when I was sick in the 9th grade. I was putting on make up in the bathroom when the dots appeared and grew until they blanketed my vision. Fearing that I was going blind, I felt my way down the hallway of our one-story ranch home to where my dad was cooking oatmeal in the kitchen. With my eyes open and no vision I said, "Dad. I don't feel well." And rag-doll collapsed into the refrigerator. I woke up 30 seconds later to my dad dragging me down the hall like you would if you were pulling a floundering swimmer from the ocean or disposing of a dead body.

It's happening again. The dots are getting closer together. I think I should ask someone to sit down but can't get out of the words. I focus on breathing deep and pray away the darkness.

People are grabbing at my arms, but I'm so sleepy. What dream is this? It's so weird and real. 

I'm on the floor of the bus. I'm reaching for strangers and they're reaching down to pick me up;I feel like a baby in a car seat. The memory of feeling light-headed a minute before returns. It happened. I passed out. 

A wide-eyed man and woman push me into a seat. 

"Are you okay?"

"Yeah... I just got really hot." They stare.

I keep touching my ears. They feel like they're stuffed with 10 pounds of packing peanuts. I'm too confused to be ashamed or embarrassed. 

"I feel like I have headphones in." They're still staring.

I feel the cold air on my shoulders and I start to feel better. My ears return to their normal size. 

Everyone goes back to their iPhones. The man and woman peek at me every once in a while. I wipe the sweat from my brow and try not to look retarded.

My stop comes a minute later. I get up and make my way to the exit like a newborn giraffe. 

"Thanks, everyone."

I'm outside and the wind hits me. I'm okay.

-----

End note: I talked to ex-power forward Megan Prochaska, MD and here's what she said after I told her I'm not stressed, not taking medications, am well-hydrated, and eating:

"You most likely vasovagaled. You don't need to see a doc, there's nothing we do for that. Keep eating breakfast and maintaining your good hydration levels." And then "Haha you passed out on the bus. You're so funny. I'm going to need you to reenact this next time I see you." You can always count on your friends to help you and then laugh at you.

Things We Learn from TV: Jersey Shore Edition

Spoiler Alert! If you haven't watched Jersey Shore: Season 4 (Italy), stop reading!

If you and your boyfriend break up, don't have intercourse with your roommate an hour later. Your boyfriend is going to be really mad at you. Even if you say you don't even remember if it was sex or just finger-banging. 

Bonus lesson: Avoid the break up all together by 1) remembering to wear underwear to the club and 2) not pulling up your skirt while dancing. 

Climb Aboard!

Last Wednesday, I went and saw Robot vs. Dinosaur cast mates Nat and Geoff in their 2-man show ("Crassus") at The Pub Theater. As I was parking my bike outside, I ran into my friend Neil, who was also seeing the show, and we went in to get tickets. We both knew the girl working the ticket booth and when she said she didn't have a stamp for upstairs entry, we asked if she'd make us a personalized drawing for our access pass. She agreed. Then we put on a spin on it. I would whisper to her something to draw on Neil's hand and he would accept it without looking at it. He would do the same for me. (I trust Neil not to draw a huge cock and balls on my hand.) After she finished both drawings, we counted to three and showed each other our drawings.

A bizarre thing happened. We had suggested complimentary drawings for each other. On Neil's hand, I had asked Sherra to draw a pirate in a boat and the sea is made of hearts. On my hand, Neil had asked her to write the phrase "Climb aboard!" The phrase was the perfect caption for the drawing. In our short conversation beforehand we hadn't discussed anything related to pirates, but for some reason the sea/ships were on both of our minds. In improv, we call that "group mind"; it's what happens when two people are listening and paying attention on another level. It's not MY idea or YOUR idea, it's the idea we've decided on together...without ever even speaking. 

I don't believe that there is actual magic like what Dumbledore does. I wish there was - can I get an alohomora up in here? But I do believe in the power of things we don't see. All those things that are happening between people, between objects and even ideas. There's no empty space in the world; even an empty space is filled with air. Everything has a weight, a consistency, and an energy. It's always exciting when things align and you have those serendipitous moments, even when it's as small as hand-drawings at a late-night show.


P.S. More proof of weird group-mind: two months ago I was thinking I really wanted to try some new music. My friend Trevor is a mine for good tunes. I thought I'd ask him for some suggestions but got distracted at work before I could ever send the email request. An hour later, a playlist showed up in my Spotify inbox from Trevor. We had never before exchanged music playlists like this before.  Brains are talkin' ya'll!

Everybody Hurts Sometimes

Break-ups are the worst. I've been going through one and it fucking sucks. There are days when it's like there's a black hole inside me and everything that is good is sucked into the pit of despair. A million stars shine brightly but that black hole just eats up anything in its path. 


On the upside, I'm not ending a 115-year relationship like these two giant tortoises. After mating as youngsters, they grew up, traveled the world, and a century later, everything fell apart. The animal behaviorists at the zoo are try to get them back together with aphrodisiacs and bonding games, but they're not having it. Said the zoo's director, "...they just can't stand each other." 


Another bonus, the media isn't making jokes about my failed relationship. All the articles have have had lots of shell-related puns, such as "Someone's going to have to 'shell out' for the divorce" and it didn't work out because he "wouldn't come out of his shell." ....when really there are so many jokes to be had, such as "They'll move on... at .02 mph." Sorry turtles, your pain is our entertainment. Now I know how God feels.


Just kidding, God loves us! 

Overheard: Goats

Woman: Do you want to see pictures from my trips of these baby goats?


(Man looks at picture)


Man: Damn! Legs for days!

Mrs. Doubtfire (Recut)

Mrs. Doubtfire is recut as a horror movie. One of the best videos you'll watch in 2012. 

Wait Wait…Don't Kill Me!

Me at RVD's auditions last night.

I'm happy to announce the title of Robot vs. Dinosaur's latest production: "Wait Wait… Don't Kill Me!" This spooky scary show will help you get in the spirit of Halloween months before your friends. It explores popular urban legends and ghost stories; it's like a sketch comedy Tales from the Crypt but with more singing and dancing than you asked for. The show runs Fridays at 9, July 27-August 24.

Last night we held auditions, which is one of my favorite things. Being on the safe side of the table makes them so fun; I love the nervous energy that fills the room. Thankfully, there were no clunkers in either audition group and made our job of casting a difficult (but exciting) one. Rehearsals start next Monday.

The show also marks my foray into directing. I'm excited about the opportunity to use the skills that come most naturally to me: being judgmental and supportive. I've been in plenty of shows as an actor and know what I like in a director and what I hate. I like when a director encourages you to follow the funny vs. "don't do that." The director helps you understand the script so you can make your acting choices clear and specific. And for all the pushing, at the end of the day, they always remind you that you're great. This shouldn't be very hard since our cast is made up of very funny and experienced actors. I just have to keep the cats running in the same direction.

"…the show… it's coming from INSIDE the house…"