Break-ups are the worst. I've been going through one and it fucking sucks. There are days when it's like there's a black hole inside me and everything that is good is sucked into the pit of despair. A million stars shine brightly but that black hole just eats up anything in its path.
On the upside, I'm not ending a 115-year relationship like these two giant tortoises. After mating as youngsters, they grew up, traveled the world, and a century later, everything fell apart. The animal behaviorists at the zoo are try to get them back together with aphrodisiacs and bonding games, but they're not having it. Said the zoo's director, "...they just can't stand each other."
Another bonus, the media isn't making jokes about my failed relationship. All the articles have have had lots of shell-related puns, such as "Someone's going to have to 'shell out' for the divorce" and it didn't work out because he "wouldn't come out of his shell." ....when really there are so many jokes to be had, such as "They'll move on... at .02 mph." Sorry turtles, your pain is our entertainment. Now I know how God feels.
Just kidding, God loves us!
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