The Onion

I have loved to read The Onion since I was in high school. For my senior year creative writing class, I wrote 2-3 article in their style, including one that was titled "High School Senior Still Riding Bus; Pitied by Underclassmen." This was, unfortunately, drawn from my real life. Unlike many of my friends, I didn't have a car. My good friend Katie Siegel would pick me up in the mornings, but she couldn't bring me home at the end of the day, so I had to take the bus and was the only senior on it. I was embarrassed but I did what I could; turned up Blink-182 on my disc man and stared out the window.


The Onion is now in the process of moving back to Chicago from New York. They're hiring writers. For the first time in my life, I'm somewhat qualified for the job I'm applying for. I've done copy writing full-time for about four years plus writing sketch on the side with Robot vs. Dinosaur. So I gave high school Susie a shot at achieving a dream and applied. 


Even if nothing comes from it, I'm happy I did it. Compiling the materials for the submission packet was fun. A required submission packet included two 3-5 minute scripts and compiling 20 ideas for videos. I was proud of all my work and would like to post some of it here for your reading pleasure.


These are the 20 headlines I came up with. Note: each one had a 2-3 sentence description of how the joke would play out in a video, but they're funnier with just the headlines, I think. 

Secret Service Prostitution Scandal Forgotten after First Lady Reminds Nation “Boys will be Boys”

Build Your Own Blog Course Abandoned After Two Weeks

Ironic T-Shirt Not so Ironic After Dog and Cat Marry in San Francisco Ceremony

Celebrity Babies Become Trend-Setters in Mid-West

Are Touchdown Dances Too Sexual?

Nursing Home Resident Calls Female Dog a “Bitch”; Denied Pudding at Dinner

Above Ground Pool Registry Helps Weed out Tax-Fraud Criminals

Architect Flips Former Sweatshop into Chic Loft Apartments

Sword Edges Out Kristin Stewart for Top Billing in “Snow White” Movie

Congresswoman’s Cry for Help Misinterpreted as Grandstanding; Funeral Planned

Co-Ed Sports Team “Actually Fun” for Everyone

Afghan Woman Opens Driving School with Permission from Her Husband, Father, and Nine Male Cousins

Teen Review Horror Movie: “I Liked When All the Popular Kids Got Killed”

All-Sugar Diet Sheds Pounds in One-Extended Sugar-High

Anthony Davis Eye-Brows Renew Interest in Self-Portraits of Mexican Painter Frida Kahlo  

Mom Misses Novelty of Ugly Sweater Party

Joan Rivers Replaces Dentures with Novelty Chattering Teeth; No One Notices

New ETSY Wedding Website Printed On Hand-Made Lace, Licorice Print

Man Finishes “7 Habits of Highly Effective People” In 10-Months of Bathroom Reading