Hummus to Make You Cummus

Google image search: "Hummus + glamour shots"

Are you the type of man/woman/child who is still buying hummus from the store? Can you not get enough of that dry, chunky, flavorless hummus that was made months ago in a hummus factory in Des Moines? Do you like collecting the container after you let it rot in your fridge because you only ate three bites because it was dry, chunky, and flavorless?

If you're like me you are not this type of man/woman/child! You demand better! 

But you say, "Of course I want to make my own hummus. We all do. But everyone else has more time and intelligence. Really. Me? I'm not the type of man/woman/child to make my own food. Perhaps I have confused myself with a more successful friend who has a kitchen and free time to visit museums and hand-write letters. Not me, not now."

ENOUGH ALREADY WITH THE LONG PARAGRAPHS OF EXCUSES!!! You are capable. All you need is 15 minutes, a food processor, 1-2 hands, and a brain.**

Try out my recipe that everyone's talking about everywhere! And if you happen to see this exact recipe in the Jane Brody Cookbook, you should know that Jane Brody is a hack and thief. Do not trust her!!! 


SUSIE'S HUMMUS TO MAKE YOU CUMMUS

INGREDIENTS:
(1) 28 oz. can chickpeas
1/3 cup lemon juice
1/3 cup tahini
(3) large cloves garlic
1/2 tsp cumin
1 tsp coriander
1/2 tsp paprika
Dash of cayenne pepper (optional)

INSTRUCTIONS:
Drain the chickpeas - save the chickpea juice for later. 

Throw the chickpeas, garlic, lemon juice, and tahini in the food processor. Blend it.

To get the smooth, creamy texture you want, slowly add in some of the chickpea juice. Blend it. 

Fold in the spices. Serve with pitas, cucumber slices, or carrots. 

PRO TIP:
If your final product tastes "a little too chickpea", consider adding more lemon juice. I found 1/3 a cup wasn't quite enough so I added a little more and then it was an A+. 

MOM TIP:
My mom says you can also add green onions - she's PFS (pretty fucking smart) so get into it. Or use it as garnish. 

Google image search: "Hummus + glamour shots"

Robot Vs. Dinosaur's Chili Cook Off

Last night, my sketch group had our annual holiday party. My favorite party is always "Santa's Shitty Scene Swap" where you bring the worst sketch you've written in the past year (or ever) and it's read aloud, you're teased relentlessly, and then the scene is given to another person to rewrite. The person who wrote the most atrocious piece of "art", as voted on by guests at the party, wins a wolf bobble head trophy. (Note: no one has ever rewritten the scene they were given.) 

This year, we started a new tradition: a chili cook off. Winning is important to me, so I put in extra effort and it paid off. I got 7/12 votes and gave a long victory speech where I gloated and did mic dropping bits. It was the happiest I've been all week and wet my appetite for more culinary domination.

I used a recipe I found online but then made so many additions, I felt I had created my own recipe. Here it is. Go forth and win a chili cook off!

Uncle Trevor's Pulled Pork Blue-Ribbon Winning Yum Yum Fun Time Chili 

Ingredients:

1lb. pork loin
1 can kidney beans
1 can baked beans
1 can black beans
1 cup corn
1/2 cup (one small can) tomato paste
1 sweet onion, minced
3 cloves of garlic, minced
2 whole tomatoes, crushed
1 cup strongly brewed coffee <----- secret ingredient!
1/4 cup cream
1 cup medium salsa
1/2 cup water
1 cup grated cheese
1 tablespoon Worcestershire sauce 
1 tablespoon apple cider vinegar
1 tablespoon siracha
2 tablespoons honey
1 tablespoon brown sugar
1 teaspoon oregano
2 teaspoons cumin
1 teaspoon red pepper flakes
1 tablespoon chili powder

Directions:

Put everything in your crock pot. Stir it. And let it cook (LOW for 7 hours, or HIGH for 3-4 hours). Once the pork is cooked, shred it using two forks. Serves 6. 

Chicago's Best Ribs

My favorite gift this Christmas was a slow-cooker. I was eager to break the seal on it so today I took it on its maiden voyage: pork ribs in a raspberry Chipotle sauce.

Honestly, these are the best ribs I've ever eaten in my life. My roommate Christine gave this glowing review: "I mean, I think you're a good cook and everything, but this shit is gourmet."

She gave me further RIBSPECT with her suggestion for the City of Chicago pay me to set up a booth in Millennium Park next summer.

I'd like to take full credit for it, but I just followed a recipe. Essentially you blend a can of chipotle peppers in adodo sauce with an entire 18 oz jar of raspberry jam. It took me 10-15 minutes to prepare and then cooked on high for 4.5 hours.

My only tip is to baste the meat every half an hour with the juice/sauce it's simmering in. I kept it moist throughout and it turned out incredibly juicy.

The recipe is available here.