Passed Out

I had a great morning. Got up early. Made my bed. Ate breakfast. Listened to Pit Bull's "Back in Time". I even got out of the house 20 minutes earlier than usual. I'm killing it.

The #136 arrives. All the seats are taken. I find a good spot in the accordion section of the double-bus and stand holding the pole. I'm reading a magazine. 

The AC is blasting, but its not making it to the middle of the bus. I'm starting to get hot. 

It's 20 minutes later and I'm starting to feel kind of weird. I can't seem to catch a good deep breath. And I'm getting hot. I start to fan myself with the New Yorker.

Did I mention I'm hot? 

The spots appear. The gray sparkly ones you get when you stand up too quickly. Except I'm not moving. They start dancing around. They're multiplying.

I passed out once before when I was sick in the 9th grade. I was putting on make up in the bathroom when the dots appeared and grew until they blanketed my vision. Fearing that I was going blind, I felt my way down the hallway of our one-story ranch home to where my dad was cooking oatmeal in the kitchen. With my eyes open and no vision I said, "Dad. I don't feel well." And rag-doll collapsed into the refrigerator. I woke up 30 seconds later to my dad dragging me down the hall like you would if you were pulling a floundering swimmer from the ocean or disposing of a dead body.

It's happening again. The dots are getting closer together. I think I should ask someone to sit down but can't get out of the words. I focus on breathing deep and pray away the darkness.

People are grabbing at my arms, but I'm so sleepy. What dream is this? It's so weird and real. 

I'm on the floor of the bus. I'm reaching for strangers and they're reaching down to pick me up;I feel like a baby in a car seat. The memory of feeling light-headed a minute before returns. It happened. I passed out. 

A wide-eyed man and woman push me into a seat. 

"Are you okay?"

"Yeah... I just got really hot." They stare.

I keep touching my ears. They feel like they're stuffed with 10 pounds of packing peanuts. I'm too confused to be ashamed or embarrassed. 

"I feel like I have headphones in." They're still staring.

I feel the cold air on my shoulders and I start to feel better. My ears return to their normal size. 

Everyone goes back to their iPhones. The man and woman peek at me every once in a while. I wipe the sweat from my brow and try not to look retarded.

My stop comes a minute later. I get up and make my way to the exit like a newborn giraffe. 

"Thanks, everyone."

I'm outside and the wind hits me. I'm okay.

-----

End note: I talked to ex-power forward Megan Prochaska, MD and here's what she said after I told her I'm not stressed, not taking medications, am well-hydrated, and eating:

"You most likely vasovagaled. You don't need to see a doc, there's nothing we do for that. Keep eating breakfast and maintaining your good hydration levels." And then "Haha you passed out on the bus. You're so funny. I'm going to need you to reenact this next time I see you." You can always count on your friends to help you and then laugh at you.

Things We Learn from TV: Jersey Shore Edition

Spoiler Alert! If you haven't watched Jersey Shore: Season 4 (Italy), stop reading!

If you and your boyfriend break up, don't have intercourse with your roommate an hour later. Your boyfriend is going to be really mad at you. Even if you say you don't even remember if it was sex or just finger-banging. 

Bonus lesson: Avoid the break up all together by 1) remembering to wear underwear to the club and 2) not pulling up your skirt while dancing. 

Climb Aboard!

Last Wednesday, I went and saw Robot vs. Dinosaur cast mates Nat and Geoff in their 2-man show ("Crassus") at The Pub Theater. As I was parking my bike outside, I ran into my friend Neil, who was also seeing the show, and we went in to get tickets. We both knew the girl working the ticket booth and when she said she didn't have a stamp for upstairs entry, we asked if she'd make us a personalized drawing for our access pass. She agreed. Then we put on a spin on it. I would whisper to her something to draw on Neil's hand and he would accept it without looking at it. He would do the same for me. (I trust Neil not to draw a huge cock and balls on my hand.) After she finished both drawings, we counted to three and showed each other our drawings.

A bizarre thing happened. We had suggested complimentary drawings for each other. On Neil's hand, I had asked Sherra to draw a pirate in a boat and the sea is made of hearts. On my hand, Neil had asked her to write the phrase "Climb aboard!" The phrase was the perfect caption for the drawing. In our short conversation beforehand we hadn't discussed anything related to pirates, but for some reason the sea/ships were on both of our minds. In improv, we call that "group mind"; it's what happens when two people are listening and paying attention on another level. It's not MY idea or YOUR idea, it's the idea we've decided on together...without ever even speaking. 

I don't believe that there is actual magic like what Dumbledore does. I wish there was - can I get an alohomora up in here? But I do believe in the power of things we don't see. All those things that are happening between people, between objects and even ideas. There's no empty space in the world; even an empty space is filled with air. Everything has a weight, a consistency, and an energy. It's always exciting when things align and you have those serendipitous moments, even when it's as small as hand-drawings at a late-night show.


P.S. More proof of weird group-mind: two months ago I was thinking I really wanted to try some new music. My friend Trevor is a mine for good tunes. I thought I'd ask him for some suggestions but got distracted at work before I could ever send the email request. An hour later, a playlist showed up in my Spotify inbox from Trevor. We had never before exchanged music playlists like this before.  Brains are talkin' ya'll!

Everybody Hurts Sometimes

Break-ups are the worst. I've been going through one and it fucking sucks. There are days when it's like there's a black hole inside me and everything that is good is sucked into the pit of despair. A million stars shine brightly but that black hole just eats up anything in its path. 


On the upside, I'm not ending a 115-year relationship like these two giant tortoises. After mating as youngsters, they grew up, traveled the world, and a century later, everything fell apart. The animal behaviorists at the zoo are try to get them back together with aphrodisiacs and bonding games, but they're not having it. Said the zoo's director, "...they just can't stand each other." 


Another bonus, the media isn't making jokes about my failed relationship. All the articles have have had lots of shell-related puns, such as "Someone's going to have to 'shell out' for the divorce" and it didn't work out because he "wouldn't come out of his shell." ....when really there are so many jokes to be had, such as "They'll move on... at .02 mph." Sorry turtles, your pain is our entertainment. Now I know how God feels.


Just kidding, God loves us! 

Overheard: Goats

Woman: Do you want to see pictures from my trips of these baby goats?


(Man looks at picture)


Man: Damn! Legs for days!

Mrs. Doubtfire (Recut)

Mrs. Doubtfire is recut as a horror movie. One of the best videos you'll watch in 2012. 

Wait Wait…Don't Kill Me!

Me at RVD's auditions last night.

I'm happy to announce the title of Robot vs. Dinosaur's latest production: "Wait Wait… Don't Kill Me!" This spooky scary show will help you get in the spirit of Halloween months before your friends. It explores popular urban legends and ghost stories; it's like a sketch comedy Tales from the Crypt but with more singing and dancing than you asked for. The show runs Fridays at 9, July 27-August 24.

Last night we held auditions, which is one of my favorite things. Being on the safe side of the table makes them so fun; I love the nervous energy that fills the room. Thankfully, there were no clunkers in either audition group and made our job of casting a difficult (but exciting) one. Rehearsals start next Monday.

The show also marks my foray into directing. I'm excited about the opportunity to use the skills that come most naturally to me: being judgmental and supportive. I've been in plenty of shows as an actor and know what I like in a director and what I hate. I like when a director encourages you to follow the funny vs. "don't do that." The director helps you understand the script so you can make your acting choices clear and specific. And for all the pushing, at the end of the day, they always remind you that you're great. This shouldn't be very hard since our cast is made up of very funny and experienced actors. I just have to keep the cats running in the same direction.

"…the show… it's coming from INSIDE the house…"

Rollin' On the River

The kayak mass listening to our guide.

I bought a Groupon in September for Chicago Urban Kayaks and after months of waiting, I finally got to use it. I took my friend Becca on the adventure. We were supposed to share a tandem kayak but because of lots of interest in the tour, we ended up getting our own kayaks. I've been wanting to do this tour ever since I read about it in National Geographic Adventure Magazine. They called it the "urban canyon" and I loved that.

The tour was a two-hour historical Chicago tour. We paddled to a location and then the guide would give some fun facts about the history of the buildings and river. The stories were interesting, but Becca and I spent most of our time not listening and enjoying the day.






There was hardly any current on the River. It was super easy to paddle. At one point, a boat filled with frat bros sped through and our guide yelled at them for being in a no-wake zone. The boat created some cool waves though so it was fun for us! 

"I look extra lesbian today." - Becca

One my favorite parts was the kayak culture of the water. They asked us to stay within 20 feet of the river walls, safety away from bigger traffic in the middle. So we'd all pull over and be in this huge bio mass of kayaks; there was at least 20 kayaks in our group, the largest tour of their season. In the beginning, if anyone bumped someone else in the water, there was a big apology, but after an hour of crashing into each other, everyone embraced it. We'd all hold each other's boats to keep the group together. 

Me holding onto Becca's boat.

All the guys who worked there were in high school. Near the end of the trip, one of them paddled up to me and asked me where I went to school. He apologized when he realized I wasn't some older girl from his high school, but I took this as flattery, like when you get carded at a bar. Later on, Becca and I were texting she was like, "He totally wanted you." And I was like, "I know. I never had a boyfriend in high school, this might be my chance to fix that."

Pretending to fall in the water.

It was so relaxing to be on an adventure in nature, even if it was in the middle of urban Chicago. When I got home a few hours later and was working on my computer, I could still feel my body adjusting to the bob kayak in the water. The gift that keeps on giving!

Every time we'd pass under a bridge, we'd see people up on the bridge taking pictures of us. I like the idea that I'm going to be in lots of people's vacation pictures.

Underside of the DuSable bridge.

Along the way, we'd wave to kids on the passing architecture cruises and get advice from people eating at the riverside cafes. Three construction workers resting along the river playfully hassled us for being in the back of the pack; little did they know it's the ideal place to be because you're never waiting for anyone... because they're waiting for you.

Corn cob buildings. 

We both had a great time! I highly recommend it! It typically costs $110 to rent a tandem kayak on the two-hour historical tours, but they've got some other options too. There's a sunset ($110 tandem) and fireworks paddle ($110 tandem) or you can just rent them sans-tour (single: $15 per 30 min, $25 tandem for 30 minutes). I think that's what I'd do next time since I ALREADY KNOW ALL THE HISTORY. Or just wait for a Groupon - it was half off!

Make New Friends, But Keep the Old

Make new friends/

But keep the old/

One is silver/

And the other is a bird.

Choices

"It is our choices...that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities."
- Albus Dumbledore, Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets

$7 Challenges

After my show on Saturday, there was a surprise party for another actor at the theater. I knew a lot of people there and had a fun time catching up with friends. But by far the best part of the night was when the "$7 Challenges" began. A number of people had chipped into make a pool of money ($7) and you'd throw out a dare, someone would accept it, and they'd win the cash. The best dare of the night was "Shrimp Bluetooth." My friend Brett was dared to put a shrimp around his ear and walk around the party, start up a conversation, and then take a call on his "bluetooth device". He really committed to each call he got on that shrimp blue tooth.  It was so stupid but so funny.

The Onion

I have loved to read The Onion since I was in high school. For my senior year creative writing class, I wrote 2-3 article in their style, including one that was titled "High School Senior Still Riding Bus; Pitied by Underclassmen." This was, unfortunately, drawn from my real life. Unlike many of my friends, I didn't have a car. My good friend Katie Siegel would pick me up in the mornings, but she couldn't bring me home at the end of the day, so I had to take the bus and was the only senior on it. I was embarrassed but I did what I could; turned up Blink-182 on my disc man and stared out the window.


The Onion is now in the process of moving back to Chicago from New York. They're hiring writers. For the first time in my life, I'm somewhat qualified for the job I'm applying for. I've done copy writing full-time for about four years plus writing sketch on the side with Robot vs. Dinosaur. So I gave high school Susie a shot at achieving a dream and applied. 


Even if nothing comes from it, I'm happy I did it. Compiling the materials for the submission packet was fun. A required submission packet included two 3-5 minute scripts and compiling 20 ideas for videos. I was proud of all my work and would like to post some of it here for your reading pleasure.


These are the 20 headlines I came up with. Note: each one had a 2-3 sentence description of how the joke would play out in a video, but they're funnier with just the headlines, I think. 

Secret Service Prostitution Scandal Forgotten after First Lady Reminds Nation “Boys will be Boys”

Build Your Own Blog Course Abandoned After Two Weeks

Ironic T-Shirt Not so Ironic After Dog and Cat Marry in San Francisco Ceremony

Celebrity Babies Become Trend-Setters in Mid-West

Are Touchdown Dances Too Sexual?

Nursing Home Resident Calls Female Dog a “Bitch”; Denied Pudding at Dinner

Above Ground Pool Registry Helps Weed out Tax-Fraud Criminals

Architect Flips Former Sweatshop into Chic Loft Apartments

Sword Edges Out Kristin Stewart for Top Billing in “Snow White” Movie

Congresswoman’s Cry for Help Misinterpreted as Grandstanding; Funeral Planned

Co-Ed Sports Team “Actually Fun” for Everyone

Afghan Woman Opens Driving School with Permission from Her Husband, Father, and Nine Male Cousins

Teen Review Horror Movie: “I Liked When All the Popular Kids Got Killed”

All-Sugar Diet Sheds Pounds in One-Extended Sugar-High

Anthony Davis Eye-Brows Renew Interest in Self-Portraits of Mexican Painter Frida Kahlo  

Mom Misses Novelty of Ugly Sweater Party

Joan Rivers Replaces Dentures with Novelty Chattering Teeth; No One Notices

New ETSY Wedding Website Printed On Hand-Made Lace, Licorice Print

Man Finishes “7 Habits of Highly Effective People” In 10-Months of Bathroom Reading

Friends, Best, You, and Me

Teaching the improv class at Kids in Sync is supposed to be an opportunity for the kids to work on their social skills, such as reading emotions and listening to others ideas, but I find I learn a lot from it, too. Rosie, who last week taught me about "fun math", gave me a great lesson in vulnerability this week.


While most of the kids were tearing around the room, throwing balls and swinging on stuff, Rosie was sitting off to the side, furiously coloring on a white board. After a few minutes, she came up to me and said, "I made you this." It was a drawing of the two of us, holding hands, surrounded by an enormous heart. On the left side it said "Friends" and on the right, "Best." There were arrows labeled "You" and "Me." She pointed to each one and said, "That's you" and "That's me." I melted. I told her I liked it very much, thanked her for making it, and took her picture holding it. 


What I admire so much is how she didn't worry that saying "We're best friends" was presumptuous. She didn't preface it with, "I don't know if you feel like this..." or over think it. She felt like we were best friends and she let me know. It was easy. 


As I've gotten older, I've become so cautious. An emotion will rise, followed by a desire to express myself, and then my emotional filter pipes up: "Don't say anything! If they don't feel the same way, you're going to look stupid!" The past few weeks I've been trying to be less cautious and run toward the fear instead of away from it. In SPEED, Keanu Reeves doesn't wave goodbye as sexy female hostage Sandra Bullock pull away in a subway car. He runs after her. He gets on top of the train, dodges a few bullets, wrestles and decapitates a crazed bomber, and gets the girl. 


A "broken heart" is a stupid phrase because a heart doesn't snap in two. It aches and changes shape at time, but eventually returns to it's natural state. So go ahead and put it out there. Ask someone on a date. Be the first to say 'I love you." Make a huge card for your best friend. The potential gain is worth the risk. And if it doesn't turn out how you wanted, your heart -and ego- will bounce back. 

There's a Rilo Kiley song called "More Adventurous" that has one of my favorite lyrics of all time: "With each broken heart, we should become more adventurous."